"You'll never know what you have until it's gone."
I think I know what that saying means by now. This sudden twist of my emotions has been delayed for almost half a year now. Almost half a decade ago, when we first part ways after a 5 year on and off relationship I didn't feel anything. I was never affected. I didn't even talk about him. I missed him but it didn't come to the point that I became nostalgic about our moments together, let alone shed a tear whenever a thought came up about him. I checked on him through an online community we were both part of from time to time, wondering how he was, but I didn't feel a pang of pain. Maybe I was too young back then, and I can still control my emotions very well. Then we got back together after 4 long years, I thought it's already a happy ending but nothing lasts forever as they say. All of a sudden, things came to an end. It was nothing at first, during the first few months just like before but right now, whenever I hear a song that reminds me of him, I feel like my heart swells from pain, like my heart is tearing apart and I just can't burst into tears because someone might see me crying specially when I'm in a public place. I can't stop thinking about him. I think about all the disadvantages if we end up together, you know when we finally get the chance to settle down someday, so I will say that our break up is for the best but I just miss him so bad, and it hurts so bad. I never felt this pain before, and it sucks. I wrote him through email, I thought that by writing him I'll move on easily but after reading his reply after 3 months since I sent that email, I realized moving on is never really easy. What hurts me the most is the thought that he already moved on. I hated social media for this, that's why I didn’t like the idea of stalking someone because I know I'll end up knowing something I don’t want to know and eventually getting hurt. And that's what happened, I found out he now have a new lady love through stalking, I don’t know if they're really a couple but who would use a photo with the opposite sex aside from your friends or relatives as a profile picture, unless he/she is your lover right?
I have no one to share my feelings, every emotion, every ounce of pain, I was never fond of sharing my deepest thoughts, secrets and emotions to someone even to a closest friend and it's driving me insane. I want to stop thinking about him, but I can't stop myself from waiting for his reply from my last email checking my email every now and then, although I asked him that we should end the "conversation" that we had (It wasn’t a conversation to be honest, my 6-8 paragraphs email was replied with an almost-a-paragraph-he-didn’t-have-a-sweat-writing-about and then I replied, stupid me). I always end up almost crying when I think about him, if only I can erase his face from my memory I think that will help. I had short lived flings/relationships (It might sound redundant coz I used short lived with fling) but nothing compares to him. I keep on comparing guys I had met with him. I'm still thinking that the next guy will be like him though I hated his guts, I hated some of the things that he liked even his principle in life, we're an exact opposite you'll never know why we ended up as a couple but all I know is that I loved him and he loved me and no one had loved me and accepted me the way that he did. I don’t think I can ever replace him, as Adele said through a song "Never mind, I'll find someone like you." He was indeed my first true love, my greatest love, and the one that got away.
It really sucks thinking that he already moved on, though I screwed the second chance that we had so he somehow he deserves it if he really is happy. I thought the chance that was given to us would finally fix everything that was wrong in our relationship that made it fail the very first time but I guess nothing was fixed, it hurts that it seems like we didn’t learn from our mistakes before, maybe we jump too quickly into getting back together without weighing things or thinking. I thought we were aiming for a happily ever after but I guess not.
I'm hoping that by writing this it will ease my pain, I'm hoping that I can move on, start living moving forward, start not thinking about him every moment, stop linking every love song and heartbreak song to him, stop myself from bursting into tears whenever I listen to Taylor Swift (please don't ask me to stop listening to her, she's my favorite), stop stalking him on Facebook and stop waiting for his reply. So please, please, please pain go away.
