Quo Vadis?

I’m about to hit the big THREE ZERO, and I’ll be lying to myself if I say that I’m not feeling any pressure at all.

It may seem that I’m fine, it may seem I’m happy but believe me I’m screaming with all my frustrations inside. A woman my age with no savings, in debt with multiple credit card bills, no investments, no accomplishments, no clear career path and no promotion in sight, no wedding or a child expected any time soon, no nothing - na da- zilch - zero fruitful present and future in sight.

People — especially woman my age (some younger) already have everything that I don’t have. A stable career, a Master’s degree, own house and lot, car, business, and a family of their own. They say that everyone has their own pace, we just need to trust our own timing but is it wrong that I feel sad, frustrated and depressed because I can’t seem to get my life towards the correct path?

I know my mom thinks that it’s okay that I’m not yet married, that I don’t have a child but I want to settle down and have a child of my own. What hurts me most is that I may not be able to bear one whenever I want and decide to because of my condition and it’s frustrating. 

I can’t settle down because I still want to be financially stable first and to be able to pay off any debts, I don’t want to burden my future husband about it. I can’t settle down because I can’t even see that my boyfriend is ready as well even though I know how much he wanted for us to be together. I can’t settle down until I see and know that my mom and sister are settled on their own.

I really wanted to be independent, I wanted to be on my own. When will I be able to experience that? When I’m old and grey-haired? When I’m no longer in my child bearing age? When I no longer have the strength to explore things on my own?

I want to change my future, I want my life to have a direction but I don’t know how to. No matter how many self help tips from those “famous” life counselors my mom listens to, I’m sorry but it doesn’t help at all. They all seem like pressuring you to be someone that you know yourself you’re not, to be this frustrating someone that for them is the ideal matured person they want you to be, to be someone the society dictates you to be.

I envy people who knows what they want in life. Those who knows what career they want, who knows the things they are passionate about. I’ve been working for almost a decade now and I still don’t know what I really want and where I’m heading. I tried switching careers from being a Journalism major -which I wasn’t even able to practice- to being in IT, I thought I’ll be happy but NO I’m certainly not. I tried taking up a Master’s degree, I didn’t even last a semester. It seems I’m still on a zigzag road and the sight is blurry.

 

I’m about to hit the big THREE ZERO but still nowhere to go.

My Wandering Soul: Where to next?

I was never the adventurous, thrill seeker type of girl. I was more of the laid back, secured in her comfort zone. I'm always curious to try out a lot of things but I would always back out because of fear. I had never tried ziplines, backed out on roller coaster rides, and just had rode a ferris wheel (but was freaking out all the way) for the first time already in my 20's. I have stage fright and I'm afraid of heights. I am shy and never the life of a party, maybe I was a little bit back in high school but it was different as I was just trying to fit in. I wasn't the cool girl. So, I'm always envious to those who can do all the things that I can't, wishing to be more courageous.

I have this urge to go somewhere, anywhere my feet wants me to go. Whether locally or overseas, I just want to travel, experience different cultures, just be lost for a moment with nothing to worry about and just forget and set aside reality.

Somehow, I am now able to fulfill this urges and ticked a couple of things off my bucket list. 

I've been to some tours locally, travel with some of my friends and my family. I have started to explore some parts of the Philippines. I've been to some beaches and tourists spots of northern and southern part of Luzon; stepped my feet to the northernmost tip of Luzon in Patapat Viaduct, dipped into the cold water of Pagudpud beach, felt the cold weather of Baguio, island hopped in Quezon province, got stinged by a jelly fish in a beach in Batangas, relaxed in an almost Baguio kind of weather in Tagaytay, felt the rush of the waterfalls and climbed a mountain in Tanay. 

Also, I was able to see some parts of Visayas and hopefully soon in Mindanao, although there's still more to discover but eventually I'll be able to soon.

Unexpectedly, I went to my very first out of the country travel just this year. With just almost a month preparation, me and a friend at work abruptly just decided to book a flight to Singapore. I was always dreaming of travelling overseas and never thought it would come true all of a sudden. Setting my fears and doubts aside, I followed what my heart wants and explored a foreign country. I felt like I started this year right. My almost 5days stay in a neigboring country was all worth it. I had explored the famous country, walked the streets of their downtown, experienced the rush hour and rode buses and trains to and from different locations, window shopped on their shopping malls, bumped into and talked to their locals, ate some local foods, tried crazy rides on famous theme parks, stroll around Sentosa, posed with wax clones/images of famous people and celebrities, experienced their culture and way of living, and to still be in awe on how beautiful the city is. I was able to get a glimpse and checked out Geylang District, Bugis Street, Merlion Park, Marina Bay, Gardens by the Bay, Chinatown, Little India, Sentosa, Universal Studios, Madame Tussauds, just to name a few. I was also able to cross the boarder from Singapore to Malaysia to get to Legoland. It was indeed a one of a kind experience and would not trade for anything.

Now, I'm looking forward to more travels locally and most specially overseas. These experiences had opened the wanderlust in me. I'm still trying to condition and work out with my self on travelling solo, hopefully I'll have enough courage and be able to tick it off my bucket list soon.

And just recently, I conquered and proudly was able to reach the summit of two mountains in just one day. I had my very first hiking and never in my life had imagined I'll be able to do that. It was really an amazing experience for me. A friend at work just invited me unexpectedly to join them 2-3 days before their planned hike. I had no preparations at all. We went to Mt. Cayabu and Mt. Maynoba in Tanay, Rizal. It's what mountaineers call a twin hike because we will be climbing two mountains. With minimal to no experience in mountain climbing, I just went with them. Before sunrise, we went and started to follow the trail. During the first 10-15 minutes of the hike, I was helpless. I was on the verge of giving up. I'm almost out of breathe, I was dizzy, nauseous, I was having chest pains and my head was aching. Imagine, we weren't even halfway of the climb but I was losing it. I was thinking of going back to the jump off point. I was prepared to back out, like I did on the Battlestar Galactica roller coaster ride in Universal Studios Singapore. But with the help of fellow hikers, even if they dont know me, encouraged me to go on. They said that it was normal for first timers. Thanks to those who stayed with me during the critical part of my climb. After a few minutes, I get back up my feet and started the hike again. With renewed strength I continued and tried to keep up with my group, though I'm slow and always behind I'm happy that some people in my group stayed behind me. I'm thankful to one of our tour guide, Albert for bringing my backpack for me until the end and for staying behind to look out to us who can't keep up. Going up was really hard, but upon reaching the summit it was all worth it, all the sweat, the pain, the thirst and hunger you felt on your way up it was all worthwhile. The feeling of reaching the very top, feeling the cold breeze on your skin, beeing able to look on the scenic view from above, i'm running out of words to express it. If going up is hard, then going down the mountain was just as hard. The trail was more steep downwards, there's rapelling involved, it was slippier because of the rocks. But the good thing was, we were able to came across 8 mini waterfalls on our way down. After almost 7hours, we were able to get back. We, at last successfully finished our hike. Although I was really behind from my group, I was just as happy as they were. At last it was done, I'm ready to feel the aftershock of all of it which by the way I'm experiencing right now. My body is aching, I can't get up nor sit down. But it was all worth it. I may not be able to schedue or commit to another mountain climbing invitation but I'll never regret every part of the experience. Hopefully when I'm ready again, it won't be that hard for me anymore.

All I can say is that, I may not be that of a thrill seeker, not that courageous, I may back out all of the sudden but I guess it was never too late to explore the adventurous in me. To try things out one step at a time, I may always tend to be behind, but it's never a competition anyway of who needs to be able experience first and try this and that, who needs travel first to this particular place or country, and who need to reach the summit of a mountain first. It is the experience that counts. 

I'm excited and I can't wait to have more travels, adventures and experiences soon.

Pain, Pain, Go Away.

"You'll never know what you have until it's gone." 

I think I know what that saying means by now. This sudden twist of my emotions has been delayed for almost half a year now. Almost half a decade ago, when we first part ways after a 5 year on and off relationship I didn't feel anything. I was never affected. I didn't even talk about him. I missed him but it didn't come to the point that I became nostalgic about our moments together, let alone shed a tear whenever a thought came up about him. I checked on him through an online community we were both part of from time to time, wondering how he was, but I didn't feel a pang of pain. Maybe I was too young back then, and I can still control my emotions very well. Then we got back together after 4 long years, I thought it's already a happy ending but nothing lasts forever as they say. All of a sudden, things came to an end. It was nothing at first, during the first few months just like before but right now, whenever I hear a song that reminds me of him, I feel like my heart swells from pain, like my heart is tearing apart and I just can't burst into tears because someone might see me crying specially when I'm in a public place. I can't stop thinking about him. I think about all the disadvantages if we end up together, you know when we finally get the chance to settle down someday, so I will say that our break up is for the best but I just miss him so bad, and it hurts so bad. I never felt this pain before, and it sucks. I wrote him through email, I thought that by writing him I'll move on easily but after reading his reply after 3 months since I sent that email, I realized moving on is never really easy. What hurts me the most is the thought that he already moved on. I hated social media for this, that's why I didn’t like the idea of stalking someone because I know I'll end up knowing something I don’t want to know and eventually getting hurt. And that's what happened, I found out he now have a new lady love through stalking, I don’t know if they're really a couple but who would use a photo with the opposite sex aside from your friends or relatives as a profile picture, unless he/she is your lover right? 

I have no one to share my feelings, every emotion, every ounce of pain, I was never fond of sharing my deepest thoughts, secrets and emotions to someone even to a closest friend and it's driving me insane. I want to stop thinking about him, but I can't stop myself from waiting for his reply from my last email checking my email every now and then, although I asked him that we should end the "conversation" that we had (It wasn’t a conversation to be honest, my 6-8 paragraphs email was replied with an almost-a-paragraph-he-didn’t-have-a-sweat-writing-about and then I replied, stupid me). I always end up almost crying when I think about him, if only I can erase his face from my memory I think that will help. I had short lived flings/relationships (It might sound redundant coz I used short lived with fling) but nothing compares to him. I keep on comparing guys I had met with him. I'm still thinking that the next guy will be like him though I hated his guts, I hated some of the things that he liked even his principle in life, we're an exact opposite you'll never know why we ended up as a couple but all I know is that I loved him and he loved me and no one had loved me and accepted me the way that he did. I don’t think I can ever replace him, as Adele said through a song "Never mind, I'll find someone like you." He was indeed my first true love, my greatest love, and the one that got away. 

It really sucks thinking that he already moved on, though I screwed the second chance that we had so he somehow he deserves it if he really is happy. I thought the chance that was given to us would finally fix everything that was wrong in our relationship that made it fail the very first time but I guess nothing was fixed, it hurts that it seems like we didn’t learn from our mistakes before, maybe we jump too quickly into getting back together without weighing things or thinking. I thought we were aiming for a happily ever after but I guess not.

I'm hoping that by writing this it will ease my pain, I'm hoping that I can move on, start living moving forward, start not thinking about him every moment, stop linking every love song and heartbreak song to him, stop myself from bursting into tears whenever I listen to Taylor Swift (please don't ask me to stop listening to her, she's my favorite), stop stalking him on Facebook and stop waiting for his reply. So please, please, please pain go away.

The Family That Prays Together Stays Together

I am a product of a broken family. Maybe we weren't praying that much together as a family before, making me spend almost my entire life without a father figure in sight. Maybe I’m still lucky coz I was still able to get a glimpse of a life with a complete family, unlike my younger sister who has no memory of our dad at all.

Well even before my mom and dad called it quits, I was only able to get to see and hug my dad whenever he got home from working overseas which by the way is just once in a year or two. The only good thing about that is we always have balikbayan boxes with “pasalubong” every once in a while. Showered with toys, chocolates, new clothes and somehow a good life. I remember the times that my mom, my brother and I would do voice recordings in a cassette tape and send it to my dad abroad, and he would do the same. Letters and also expensive overseas telephone calls were exchanged to fill up his absence. They were able to send me to private schools, with a nanny on the side. We had a good home to live, but someone's still missing...my Dad. As one of Luther Vandross’ song goes “A House is not a Home”, we may have a nice house to live in but inside it’s really incomplete. I was always wishing that our family will be complete but I guess wishes don't always come true.

I don’t know what went wrong, whose fault it was initially, we were once happy I knew that and it always kept me thinking why it ended that way. All I know is that when my Dad decided to stop working overseas and focus with our family business, he changed. He doesn't go home anymore, whenever he does he and my mother would fight, he stopped giving us anything, even financially. And then I heard that he had an affair with one of our waitresses, which his family just condone.  I was 7 years old when my mom and dad separated, me and my younger sister who was still a baby back then needed to be brought to Samar with my grandma. My mom had to stay there to finish something up, and my brother was left there as well. The worst part was my Dad didn't even care to communicate after that at all and my mom was away as well to work here in Manila for us. I spent my entire childhood with my grandma but I was never a Lola's girl. I excelled academically at school,but I’m always envious whenever someone’s with their family or even just with their Dad. I spent my teenage years also without a father to go home to. I always thought my parents could have saved their marriage for the sake of us their children but I guess it’s too late my Dad already has his own family and his own lil princess, which maybe through my step-sister is his way to make up to all  the mistakes he made and the attention he could have given to us back then. But what really hurts the most is that my brother died without even seeing us complete, we weren't even able to see him at all when he was still alive since he spent his entire life with my grandma (father side) ever since my parents separated and also the fact that my Dad and also his family just think that were just after him financially, he doesn't even initiate to do meet ups for a father-daughter bonding with me and my younger sister whenever he gets home from working overseas, it could have been nice if he would bring us something as “pasalubong” or ask us what we want whenever he goes home so we could still say that he’s still thinking of us. I know I’m old for this, but no one’s too old for wanting their father’s affection.

I know we can never turn back time and correct all the mistakes of the past,it’s crazy to wish for it but if given a chance to use a time a machine I wouldn't hesitate to go back and help save my parents’ marriage then maybe my brother will still be alive today, maybe my parents will still be together and maybe just maybe we’re complete, I have my Dad, my mother, my brother and my lil sister with me.

Christmas is coming and I’m getting lonelier every minute it gets closer to that season were family reunion happens and families spent time together,while I’m here longing for that very day to come for us. I might be happy outside, the most cheerful girl, I have my mother and sister with me but I had been lonely deep down ever since.

So, Pa I just hope you get to read this.

Not So Romantic Poem

After 4 long years, we finally got back together,
And we're still making it through whatever.
Been a roller coaster, but will leave never
By your side, hope we can stay forever.

Lovin' me despite everything,
Letting you sleep at night fuming,
Hoping hearts won't be left again aching
Won't let your love aside this time for nothing.

Taken for granted it may seem,
But I love you just the same,
They may think it's foolish, they may think it's insane
But I love you this much it won't be a shame.

How's My Future?

"Jack of all trades, Master of Nothing."

I've heard it many times already. Thinking, is that what I'm going to be? Honestly, up until now I still don't know what path should I take. I mean, I've already graduated from College and all, come to think of I have a Bachelor's degree in Journalism. Everyone else who's exactly in the same situation as me had probably been collecting certifications, contacts, finding employer that is related to what is written as job description/objective on their resumes, and of course pursuing the profession/career that they've been daydreaming about until the day that they've finally bid farewell to their Alma Mater.

But me, I'm still left hanging. I don't know what to do! I don't know which employer should I consider trying. Even if I've had my first job already, I admit that I did not take it too seriously, if I had then I'm already a regular employee.

I told myself when I left my previous employer that I'll definitely be looking for a job that is not BPO (Call Center), I'd be looking for something that is gonna be a regular office hour shift/schedule and perhaps a job related to what I had spent my 4 years in a univesity. But then again, after almost 2 months of contemplating, I've been hired and much to my dismay, still on a BPO and almost the same account that I had with my previous company. I just thought, WTH?! Is this really what I'm going to be? A call center agent? Taking in calls, arguing with foreign customers that's telling how dumb and illiterate you are, saying that you can't speak nor understand English well. They're really boosting my self-esteem up very well. And of course experiencing what seems like a roller coaster of mood swings and emotions in every single calls but you still have to give your best shot or else your score/performance as an agent will suffer.

I had been in this kind of industry for almost 6months and it seems like I will be staying for quiet a long time. Thank goodness for the good offer given by my new employer.

But of course, who is it to blame? Do I have a choice? Why is it so hard for me to decide which's which? I'll be starting soon with this new employer but I'm still confused as hell, debating endlessly with myself without a conclusion in sight.

My mom wanted me to save money so I can enroll this school year or so and pursue a career as a lawyer. Actually, it's my dream way back childhood, just the same time I had wanted to become a doctor or a billionaire. But I don't think I'll be fit as a lawyer, even when I was in College I did not study that well - I'm a happy-go-lucky type of person. I was just contented to pass every subjects. How will I be a lawyer? I'm not that studious, not a bookworm, can't focus, scattered brain and lazy. I'm a writer but maybe it's just my college degree. I'm not that confident with my writing skills. I was thinking I might just be too high or in stupor when I signed up and enrolled. I lack guidance from someone on what should I be..err who should I be.

I really thought that I will be able to find out what I really wanted during the few months I've been out of the business, but I guess it's not that easy to find one's self.

Everyone who knows me tells me that I'm good at this, I'm good at that. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to find out or maybe because my parents is dubious as well as I was and don't know what should I do.

I'm also thinking of getting another degree in Computer Engineering or Electronics and Communications Engineering, Information Technology or Computer Science. But I'm afraid of Math subjects, because I know too well that I'm not that good, well it's my fave subject way back grade school but when high school came it had been the very least because of the teachers handling that subject. That's even my excuse when someone asks me why I took up Journalism (Mass Communication), because it has fewer math subjects compared to the courses that I wanted. I'm just a scaredy-cat. >_<

I'm lazy, I lack self confidence, I'm too fat, not as pretty as I was when I was still not in my 20s yet*Haha*...O.M. what a very low self-esteem I have. But I do admit it, I certainly admit it. What should I do? T_T

I don't want to be a call center agent for a very long time--forever. I wanted something better. Something that will make me someone more than just my college degree. I just really hope I will be able to find it out myself soon. The sooner the better, or else.....geez. ^^,

    

I'm a writer....why not?

"Keep on writing what's in your heart." -ate Kimmy



I really admit that most of the time (always) that I'm lazy and stubborn. Even though I really like to write, thoughts are running and circling in my mind crazily, I still don't have the guts and the energy to sit down have a pen and paper in hand and begin to contemplate and write.

I've had my passion for writing ever since.....I don't know how it started, but it may sound crazy, I always thought what had inspired me to write was the poem/short story writing activities in English and Filipino subjects way back High School, I really don't know. *Hahaha*

I took up Journalism, because I was blinded by the thought my aunt had told me, "You're really good in writing. That's what you do best." and of course I believed that too, being the "EIC" of our school newspaper way back grade school years, which I didn't even experience (I mean it), just the title.I just took part on Press Conferences. *Hahaha.* Although, I've been already taking up Journalism and living what I had thought I'd like, it had always cross my mind that there must be something else that I really want to take up. I didn't join any organizations nor contests because I wasn't confident enough of my superb writing skills. I've always thought that I'm not like my classmates/blockmates that were really gifted with such great skills. I wasn't able to take advantage of it, unless it was mandatory/required to make write-ups, etc.
I'm known to be a techie, I've always had this crazy obsession with gadgets, technology and other stuff related to it, even one of my uncles had expected that I'd took up Computer Engineering. Much to his dismay, I've already graduated with a "Bachelor in Journalism" degree just last May.

Now, I already have my first job, which to tell you frankly isn't related to what I had taken up in College. I got my first salary and my first night out not as a student but as someone representing a company. *what?* *Hahaha* Enough of that nonsense and back to the topic, one of our co-trainee (She has higher position than what me and my other 15 co-trainees) gave us pieces of colored paper (pink and purple) during the last minute of our CSTraining. There, written on mine "Keep on writing what's in your heart.", I knew she wrote that because of what I had shared during a Q and A icebreaker session. She even suggested that I make blogs during my free time.

It all came to my senses now, as I was doing my younger sister's project. Maybe I was really born to be a writer after all. My sister, being  impressed with what I do is enough for me to be awaken from hibernating for a very long time. I may not be as good as my College classmates nor the veteran bloggers here in cyberspace but I know just in my own way, I can write, I can express what I've wanted ever since the world had began. Thanks ate Kimmy. I owe her this, as my very first blog post, I hope she'll be able to read this. (I had blogs before but as I said, I'm very lazy.)

Cheers!!